Letter to Reuben, my son, about my PND struggle

I often wonder how I will cope when Reuben is ready to hear, and try to understand, my PND illness. I’ve no idea if my blog with be around at that time – but if it is, I want to have something for him to read, that tells him of just how much he means to me and to us.

So Reuben, when you are ready to read this, here’s what you need to know and must believe –

  • You Were WANTED

When we found out that you were growing in my tummy, Mummy and Daddy were very excited! We did a little dance around the kitchen and had a little cry, because we were so happy. In fact, we were so excited that we had a drawer full of little sticks, just to prove that you were on your way! We couldn’t keep the news to ourselves and told Granny far to early that you were coming to join our family – I hope you’re better at keeping a secret that we were! Once the surprise was revealed, your whole family could not wait to meet you and began to plan for your arrival – buying clothes, cots, toys and decorating your new room.

  • You Are LOVED

Reuben, you are a very special little boy and you are loved so much by Mummy and Daddy. We will always put you first; take care of you; hold you when you cry; be happy with you when you are excited; and listen to you when you have things to share. Before Mummy had you, she didn’t know what this kind of love could feel like – it’s very hard to explain, but I feel it deep down in my heart and all the way from my head to my toes. You mean the world to us both and we adore you.

  • This Is NOT Your Fault

The truth is, that after having you Mummy got very sick. Not the kind of sick you might be able to see when you have a sore tummy and vomit or when you fall and hurt your knee. The sort of sick you can’t see – like when you tell me that “something is sore, mummy” but you don’t know what or why. You know you need some calpol, but you’re not sure the exact reason, you don’t feel well but you can’t see what’s making you sore. It took lots of people to help Mummy understand why she was sick and then get the medicine I needed to make me better. But once I got it, I started to get well.

This has nothing to do with you. Lots of mums get sick – some don’t – but lots do. It has nothing do with you, or any other boy or girl.  In the same way we’re not sure why your little friend is allergic to peanuts, but you can eat them whenever you like, we’re not sure why Mummy got sick and other mums don’t. It just happens. It’s no one’s fault that Sam is allergic to peanuts and it’s no one’s fault (not mine and definitely not yours) that Mummy got sick.

  • You Are A BLESSING And We Are THANKFUL for YOU

Mummy and Daddy count it as a special gift that we get to be YOUR parents. We are thankful to God that He sent you into our lives – you make our family complete. We could never have imagined the little boy you would become and everyday we know we are blessed to be allowed to call you “our son”.

  • You Bring Us JOY

You are such a funny, kind, joyful, inquisitive, confident and beautiful little boy. Everyday you make me laugh and smile. You have a love for life that is infectious, from the moment you wake in the morning you are ready to explore the world and all it has to offer. You learn new things very quickly – sometimes too fast so Mummy can’t keep up! You are compassionate and loving and always thinking of others – you have helped to look after Mummy, when she’s been sick, and are always keen to do it. You love to chat to anyone who will listen – especially people in the supermarket! You make friends easily and have no fear of new situations – I want to be like you in so many ways! Watching you learn and develop, every day, is great fun for Mummy and Daddy. We are proud of who you are and will support you in whoever you want to become. Life is to be lived, so we want you to find as much joy in it as you bring to ours.

  • I LEARN From You 

I know Mummy’s are supposed to teach their children, but I learn as much from you as I get to teach you. You’ve helped me to become the person that I am today. Having you has taught me patience; grace; to have a better sense of humour; to be kinder to myself; to think more of others; to believe in myself; and to face my fears.  You have also helped Daddy and I get to know each other much better and learn how to love each other in a new way. I know I have much more to learn from you – it’s so much fun that we get to teach each other on this journey of life.

We love you Reuben. You mean the world to us and you always will. We can’t tell you how life will work out, there are many things we can’t be sure about for the future, but how we will feel about you is not one of them. Borrowing words from another wise man might help me to explain it – I’m going to love you, forever and ever, forever and ever, Amen!” (Randy Travis). We are going to love you forever, Reuben. 

All my love,

Mummy xxx