You can recover from PND | Vicky Platt

My story started back in March 2012, when my son Harry was born.

He was a much wanted child and I had an ok birth – forceps and stitches. Looking back I was anxious from the start. I breastfed and it was constant, it felt like he was just attached to me all the time and I was worried he wasn’t getting enough, as he was quite a crying baby. I didn’t get much support and would always feel that family and friends thought he was hungry when he cried but I wanted to carry on, as thought it was best.

I started feeling down, as the months went on, and didn’t want to go out – even getting dressed was a massive task. I felt isolated and didn’t see my mum much as she had a lot going on at the time. I was just going through the motions, caring for Harry but not enjoying any of it. I felt really inferior and unconfident, even though I had looked after lots of children being a Nursery Nurse.

After 6 months, I started having funny thoughts about him, thinking his head was too big, he moved his arms and legs too much, and strangely thought had I breastfed overdid him? Which I know is impossible but I was obsessed with how his poos were etc.

Things really came to a head when I accidentally tripped into a wall, down a couple of our steps and caught Harry’s leg. We went to A&E and they X-Rayed but didn’t find anything for a few days.  Then I  found out he had a fracture.  Meanwhile, in between, I had finally gone to the doctors to get antidepressants, as told my mum I had suicidal thoughts and unfortunately tried to end my life twice.

I ended up in hospital Nov/Dec 2012, for 10 weeks, whist my husband and mother in law looked after Harry and brought him into hospital nearly every day. I took anti psychotic drugs and antidepressants and with support from family came out, gradually moved home and started looking after Harry.

I felt so guilty that I had been so ill and worried I hadn’t bonded but I think we have and luckily Harry was so young. It was such a horrible time and I still remember a lot of it. I think I wanted to be a perfect mother and didn’t know what to expect. It took time to bond and for the love to grow but thankfully I now have a 4 week old and have had lots of midwife support  – I feel myself and I’m ok.

I think it is so much more talked about now and you realised just how many mothers, and sometimes fathers, suffer. I think it’s important to show it’s ok, you can live a normal life, be a great Mum and get better from this cruel awful illness called depression.

Thank you for sharing my story and hope it may help someone know they are not alone.

Vicky xx

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